How to Not Become an Asshole as You Get More Senior

"How do I not become an asshole?"

Emma sent this to James Johnson and Freddie Birley for Peer Effect Post Bag.

The fact she's asking is already a good sign.

What you'll hear:

Why self-reflection matters but isn't enough. Freddie breaks down the three groups you need around you. Your team is one. But they have limits most founders don't acknowledge.

The power dynamic nobody talks about. You can fire your team. They know it. James explains how far they'll actually push - and why expecting more isn't realistic.

What one team member said that changed everything. "Just tell me if it's non-negotiable. I'd rather not waste both our times trying to convince you when you've already decided." James shares why this matters.

The 360 feedback structure that works. But only if you have a facilitator. James explains why doing this yourself doesn't create safety for honest feedback.

The question that forces honesty. "Bring to mind my most problematic behavior." Freddie shares the full framework and why it works when normal feedback requests don't.

Why power distance kills feedback. As you get more senior, people stop speaking up. You read silence as approval. It's not. They're just calibrated to the hierarchy.

What happens in remote teams. Trust takes a lot to build, not much to break. Remote makes it harder. James and Freddie explain why this compounds the problem.

The reality:

It's hard for founders to get honest feedback on how they're actually experienced.

Your team will only push once, maybe twice. Then they stop. That's not them being not brave. That's just the dynamic.

If you're asking the question "how do I not become an asshole," you're probably not the one at risk.

One action: Listen to the end for what to do today if you want honest feedback.

Submit your questions: hello@peer-effect.com

More from James:

Connect with James on LinkedIn or at peer-effect.com 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Pure Effect postbag. I'm James Johnson, joined by Freddie Burley. We ask for your questions, and Freddie and I are going to tackle them together. These aren't theoretical case studies, it's the stuff keeping you up at 2 a.m. Let's get answering. Welcome to the Peer Effect. I'm James Johnson.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

And I'm Freddie Burley.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

So, Freddie, what's been happening with you this week?

SPEAKER_01 0:24

So I've just finished this book called All the Way to the River by Liz Gilbert, and I went to see her speak on Monday, and she was amazing. She's very it's been a pretty controversial book, and she's got a lot of heat for it. But actually, it's a very raw account of a relationship she had with a partner and the dynamics and kind of addiction cycles. And I just thought it was really raw and truthful and quite brave. Um so would recommend it's not a sort of um it's not a light book, but it is a really rich one and it's very insightful.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

So what what was controversial about it?

SPEAKER_01 1:03

A lot of a lot of the uh reviews on it as saying that she's it's very self-indulgent. And um and I actually think the truth is most human beings are quite like we're all the heroes of our own story in a no in kind of different ways. But I think especially for a woman to talk about such complicated emotions and um and to talk about addiction so vulnerably, uh and she has this poetic rhythm to the way that she writes as well, that I think is kind of magic. So yeah, I just think it's a really interesting female perspective.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

Do you she she wrote a eat previous?

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Yeah, she was eat pre love, exactly. I think 20 years ago or so. Um and then she also wrote Big Magic, which is all about creativity, which is also an amazing book.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

So actually she's this is a this is a topic, sort of a relationship and stuff she knows she's quite experienced at writing about.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Um I think this is probably her rawest book because it was about I don't think she's written in this way before, and her partner and her partner died, and it's basically a book about her and her partner's very intense short relationship, and then her partner's death and um and them both going through these addiction cycles in the relationship. And so it's just very Wow. It's very intense, but it's really um I actually found it really beautiful as well.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Because you said like we're all the hero of our own story, but it sounds in some way in some way she's kind of the maybe even the villain in some ways of just well she comes across like they they it's everything.

SPEAKER_01 2:39

They're both everything in that book. You see all of kind of maybe the best um of their traits and then also the worst of their traits, and also every human being is everything. And and I think that that's from in my view what the critics are kind of missing in the way that they're saying she's super self-indulgent, or it to me it doesn't seem self-indulgent at all. It feels actually very just honest and and a take.

SPEAKER_00 3:02

I suppose also putting yourself out there to be judged. I mean, as coach, we see like people come to us because actually having that judgment free space is probably valuable. Yeah. And people often start coaching, oh well, I probably shouldn't say this but or don't think don't think less of me because of this. And that's right. No, no, it's like you need to be able to bring your whole self to this.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

100%.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

I think bringing a whole self out into a book without without that safety is incredibly brave.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

I could not agree more. And you really do feel like I think sometimes the reason why a lot of people love fiction is it allows us to explore parts of human nature without judging, because they're just characters in a book. And actually, I think sometimes the honest takes on like the fullness of the human experience are fiction books where people don't then get judged. But to see this done in an autobiography style, it's um it's really rare.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

Well, how to hard to link in from that, but actually, so but not Liz, but uh Emma though wrote and said, How how do I not become an asshole? Um and I think the background to this is just as you become more seniors, there's this this fear that people don't tell you the truth, whatever. But how what's your take?

SPEAKER_01 4:15

Yeah. This this comes up actually quite a lot in coaching as leaders are growing and I think reaching new levels of success or the feeling of separation and no longer feeling like peers and more hierarchy starts to come into their companies. Um I think there are a few things here. Firstly, the fact that someone's asking the question is very self-reflective and just quite aware of just human nature in general. Like we all have the capacity to be an asshole, to be arrogant, to be um really challenging to deal with. And so I think someone being like, how do I not become this as I grow in my leadership is is firstly like a great step. Um on the there are a couple of different takes on this. Firstly, self-accountability. So uh do I feel proud of the way that I'm showing up? And even when I have to make hard decisions that some people are going to judge or not feel happy with, if the decision was made with a the company's best interest in mind, and also I felt like it was the right, it was the right call, and I managed it in the best way I could. I think that's really important. And the being an arsehole is very much how you're showing up. And for a lot of people, you can act in challenging ways when there's not a gap between a stimulus and a response. And what I mean by that is when something challenging happens and you react immediately or impulsively, and we all have moments where we're not our best and it comes out of us and we become really defensive, or we say the wrong thing, or we put off a net, or whatever it is. And so the more as a leader, especially when you have more people relying on you and a lot of uncertainty that you're navigating a lot of really high stakes, um, the more you can pause between a stimulus and your response so that you're not reacting, but you're responding. So you're taking kind of full responsibility, like what's going to serve this situation best? How do I show up in that way? And then some form of reflective practice, like, I'm okay with how I'm showing up. And I often ask the question of even if you don't know what the right way to show up in that context is, um, are you proud of it? Like, would you be proud of how you navigated it? Um so that's one piece around the self-accountability part. And then the second piece is I'm like, um, you said something the other day around um speaking truth to power when we were catching up. And I think that's also what's so important. You need to have a team around you that you respect and that respect you enough to be able to tell you the truth. You don't want a team around you of um, even though it can feel really nice for your ego, like yes men or yes women, people who just say, like, that idea's great, or that makes sense, and they kind of they create this vacuum for your ego to just come up with any anything and for people to think it's a good idea. You really need people that like challenge you not just on what you're doing, but how you're doing it, so that you get that feedback and you can grow as a leader, as a human being, too. Um, and then also the final piece of not just your team, but then people out outside of your team and with no kind of incentive with how you're behaving, but like advisors, mentors, um, and staying grounded with like family, friends, people who knew you before and in other contexts. A lot of my a lot of my clients and friends say their children are their greatest teachers on this dimension because children are they really mirror what they see, and a lot of your most problematic behaviors you'll see coming through in your children who have who will tell you exactly what they think. And so um it's a good it's a good feedback loop. But it's those are a few things I'd say, like a sense of self-reflection, self-accountability, having being surrounded by a team that you invite feedback from and who feel empowered to tell you the truth, um, and then advise as mentors and like staying around it with family and friends.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

I was thinking down to the third one, I think peer groups are really helpful in that, just because actually having peers who are going through the same level of challenge that you are get what it is, but actually you build a relationship over time to a level that are actually comfortable challenging you. Yes. I think it's super valuable. Yes. And I I always I always think with a second one in terms of your team, I almost don't feel it's your team's true responsibility to challenge you beyond a certain point. I think to realistically expect someone that you can fire to challenge you beyond a certain point. And I think as founders we often like think, oh well, I'm I'm very approachable, it's an open door policy. But fundamentally your team are quite calibrated to there is a hierarchy, you do pay their salaries. Like if you really believe in something, they're only going to push so far. They might, if they're a good team, push once, yeah. They might even go a second time, but there's gonna be a point at which they stop pushing that, and that and that's not them being not brave. Yeah, it's not you being dictatorial, it's just I think just the the nature of the dynamic.

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Yeah, and the incentive structure.

SPEAKER_00 9:05

Yeah, it's just it's just off. And so actually, I think that third group is really valuable to me. You don't have to lean too much on your team, and it means it allows your team to challenge you more on that some of the tactics and the practical, which is super helpful. Yeah. Maybe not so much on some of the bigger strategic swings or something, those passion projects that you're you're putting a bit too much energy in to your team going, let's talk this through. And I was going, he doesn't want to talk this through. That's true. I one of my one of my team what said to me said, uh, can you just tell me if something's non-negotiable? Because I'd rather not waste both of our times like spending half an hour you trying to convince me of something when actually that was actually what you wanted to do all along. Just don't pull out that card too often.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Yeah, you've already made up your mind.

SPEAKER_00 9:52

Yeah, but just just just tell me and I can I'll I can work with that. Like that's it's your company.

SPEAKER_01 9:57

That's actually really wise. The the I think there is that even on the salary point though, there's also a so often in companies they'll be like, Yeah, yeah, we you we do 360s, we do them really well, we do them every year, or um exactly you say my my door's always open. But then actually when you dig a little deeper, the founders have never done a 360 on themselves, the exec team never give each other feedback. There's the the feedback, they're not inviting it at all, even though they say I'm super open to it. And so I actually think there's often a lot more that people can do to create mechanisms where people they're kind of encouraging, inviting, soliciting that feedback, and even saying, I saw this amazing, uh I saw this, I'm trying to remember who who said this, but um the question structure was basically for a founder, essentially like sitting down with their exact team and being like one-on-one and being like, I want you to bring to mind my most problematic behavior. And like when you've got it, let me know. So that it's not if there's a problematic behavior, it's just like owning that we all have problematic behaviors. I want you to bring it to mind. And once they brought it to mind, being like, okay, I would love you to now be brave enough to tell me what you see that is in unfiltered language. And so having this acknowledging and owning, I know I have problematic behaviors, I would love you to be able to tell me, and finding ways or structures, questions, mechanisms that allow people to say that as truthfully as they can. Um I think it's incredibly powerful. But then also, if you're gonna invest the energy and time in doing that, you've also got to listen, you've got to respond. So it can't be a kind of, I do this for glossy shits and gigs, you know. It's gotta be, it's gotta be okay, now I've listened, I've heard, I'm gonna take that on board, I'm gonna think about it, and then some form of follow-up or just slight behavior change, um, or context on why you've been behaving in that way, so at least that it creates more context for them so they understand it. But just ha whatever you can do to create these more open dialogues, I think is really powerful, not just for the team, but for your own growth, your own development.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

I do I do think that having someone facilitating that data, creating a search space is quite helpful. Yeah, I think I for one client did a 360 for him with his team. Yeah. And he said, we were actually there for two years, he said that was the most valuable thing I did for him in two years, just because it just gave such a deep insight and stuff. Like, and you don't have to accept all the feedback, some of it hasn't it all feedback has an agenda, but like you could you get you get quite a good picture. Totally. And I think actually then it gives a team safety because you're kind of slightly buffered. It's a slightly more active way than just saying give me feedback. I think people are very good at giving feedback. Yeah. So actually giving them space just to talk, and then you can aggregate it and give it back. So it's it's it's a s it's a safe place for the people giving it as well. Yeah. And I think it sends quite a strong message to your team that you're investing in self-development, that you want to change, you're committed to it, otherwise you wouldn't have got a coach involved to do it. Yeah. I think can be quite helpful. But I do agree that it's that self-accountability, it's very oh, if I was doing anything wrong, someone would tell me. They probably won't. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

No, assume they won't, unless you ask, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

And actually you do spend a lot of time working on yourself, irregardless of the feedback, I think is a helpful thing to do because there'll be lots of stuff that you just don't know. And as you become more senior, yeah, you that that power distance grows and grows and grows. And I think subconsciously you get this kind of this tacit approval from people, and or at least you read it as it like people aren't commenting, I must therefore be doing stuff right, I must be behaving right. And therefore you think, oh, you can actually go further down that path. And actually that's not what's happening at all. It's just like the power distance has grown so much that people just aren't speaking up. And so you're taking those two very different sort of things happening at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Yes, yes, that's so true. That's so so true. It's a tough one because they also in um it's slightly related, but more on the on the feedback point too, in companies where if you're growing incredibly quickly, the most efficient way to do that is also for you all to be as transparent as possible in the available growth to get you to the next stage. It just requires such low egos and it requires such trust and almost like a kind of beyond human company first mindset and like growth first mindset and kind of a deep level of confidence to get there. Um, but it's really rough. It's hard, it's hard. Yeah, it's really hard.

SPEAKER_00 14:36

Well, especially now that we've got remote teams, like building that trust where it's like especially in a remote world, yeah. I mean, trust it takes a lot to build trust and not much to break it.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

And so you've got new coming to the team, you've everyone's busy. That's it's almost the epitome sign that's important but not urgent until until it goes horribly wrong, and then it's like suddenly it's really urgent and really important, but generally when it's all gone wrong.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

That's so true.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Um So what what would you having having sort of talked it through, what would be your sort of main takeaway?

SPEAKER_01 15:09

Main takeaway, um it's really hard for founders to get honest feedback on like the reality of how they're being experienced, and it requires um a lot of intention and um self-accountability is important, but equally external opinions and um making sure you get them from different angles is is also important. What what are you what are you taking away?

SPEAKER_00 15:38

I I think it's just hard. I I think I think if you if you if you you said right at the beginning, if you're asking the question, that's a really good sign. Yeah. I mean just a bit of reassurance that there's the people that are not asking that question that are probably most at risk of running around of that of that problem.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Preach. Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 15:59

Well, thanks for listening again. Uh we will see you guys next Monday for the post bag episode or Wednesday for a founder episode. Um, hit subscribe, and we will see you next week.